I only ask because, quite often, I really don’t see it. And today, I really don’t see it.
I mean…
Really…
What is the point?
Can you tell me? Probably not. But still:
What is the point?
I’ve been assured that there has to be one, somewhere, but if there is one, more often than not, I’m afraid that I don’t see it. Actually, sometimes I’m fairly terrified that I don’t see it.
Sometimes people with bigger brains than me go the trouble of telling me what the point is. But as far as I can see, the trouble with doing that, is that they are telling me the point according to them. Therefore, it is their point, not mine.
Not mine.
And therefore that point just doesn’t work for me.
Hmmm… there is room for doubt and confusion there, methinks. But then there is always room for doubt and confusion in this big, wide world.
And life…
Life is big too isn’t it; a great big brute of a thing.
And rammed full of doubt and confusion. Most of it mine, probably.
But it is so big and so full that I’m almost convinced that it is beyond all understanding, especially mine. Somewhere there is a big picture, a grand scheme of things. A map of the cosmos with an arrow saying “you are here” and directions to tell you to where you are supposed to be going. Or maybe
there isn’t.
But there really ought to be.
I don’t understand; I don’t understand it at all.
Although, I’ve been told that the trick is in not trying to understand it, but to just to get on with it. Sometimes that seems like sound advice, and sometimes that seems to work.
Well, at least up to that point where it doesn’t.
I once wrote a 9½ minute song about that. Don’t worry, I probably won’t play it at you.
And at that point…
Well, cue the opening line.
I’m in a bad mood right now. You had an inkling? Ah, your powers of perception have not waned. But yes, it is true, I am in a bad mood right now. Well, I say bad (and I did – you just heard me say it), but maybe I mean grey. Maybe I don’t know what I mean. Maybe.
Maybe I was right the first time and I am in a bad mood.
Or I’m just fed up. Yes, let’s go with that.
I’m fed up. I shouldn’t be. I have no reason to be. But, nevertheless, I am. It’s the trivia that gets me. Or gets to me. The little stuff that is unimportant until it bites a chunk of flesh out of your soul. So… not actually trivia after all, then…
Today: I couldn’t pick up a guitar without wondering why I was even
bothering. My fingers defaulted to the usual open G position. I picked and
hammered on and off the notes around that G shape in the usual way that I always do. And that lasted about two seconds.
And then I put it down again. Defeated.
Oh… I’m so bored. I think. I think I’m bored. Although it might not be boredom. It can’t be boredom; it must be apathy. Apathy would fuel the question of what or wherein lies the point, fuel it and drive it to the territory of frustration.
Okay then, today I am frustrated.
So, not in a bad mood, not grey, not fed up, not bored, just apathetic and frustrated.
I’m frustrated in the knowledge that I am wasting the time that I know that I will continue to waste regardless of the fact that I know that I am wasting it and already regret and will continue to regret said waste.
And so…
Today: I couldn’t even pick up a guitar and slip effortlessly into E and thence to the blues riff which is my secondary default position on the fret board. Fingers hinted at the notes, but…
Everything sounded wrong to my ears, to my mind.
So…
Another two seconds wasted.
“Step away from the guitar. Give it up. There’s no way out of this place today.”
It is that bad.
Deep sigh.
Honestly…
What is the point?
Don’t feel obliged to answer.
And anyway, even if you did, as I sort of hinted at earlier, I probably still wouldn’t see it – your point, not mine.
So then, I will resort to Plan… not sure what letter of the alphabet it is. Let us call it P. So then, I resort to Plan P…
And Plan P is, very simply: to curl up in a ball and wait for darkness to overhwhelm me. No, not the darkness of death you doom merchant – I’m frustrated, not suicidal! I mean the darkness of sleep; to just let the world slip away into nothingness, beyond the sprawling tensions of consciousness. Let it disappear and let it, the very big, very wide world, haunt somebody else for a while. It needn’t be me all the time.
So that is what I will do. I will close my eyes and hide. Because the concept is simple enough: if I cannot see the world, it cannot, therefore, see me.
Well, sometimes it works.
Another deep sigh.
And a note to self:
Today could be better.
But tomorrow I’ll write a song about it.
If I can see the point, obviously.
Obviously.
Good night world; welcome, sleep’s healing oblivion. Hopefully.
Maybe I’ll dream of a point.
:)
Steve B